Christian Introvert Struggle

One of the things I struggle with is being an introvert.

August 2016. Pulled over in a gas station for this view.  Desert experience.  Being an introvert has its perks: Flagstaff, Arizona

It took a long time (25 years) to understand what was wrong with me.  Why am I so shy?  Why do I enjoy people?  How can you be shy AND enjoy people?  The thought of social events and crowds gives me massive anxiety, but once I am at said event (as long as I know where all the exits are) I am fine.  Being invisible or a fly on the wall always appealed to me.

I love people though.  God put a love for people on my heart, but being around them for too long drains me.  I would much rather be at home baking in the kitchen or on the back swing with my basil plant or somewhere else… Preferably an endless meadow…in Ireland…

Crowds freak me out and I get overstimulated so easily.  God has done wonders on me to overcome a lot of that.  (For those of you reading who met me post 2014 just think what I’d be like if I didn’t have Jesus 😛 )

I was always envious of people who seemed to make friends so easily, but not envious enough to go make friends.  It seemed to others it was nothing to go up to someone new and start up a conversation and next thing you know they’re going on adventures together.  (That could have all been made up in my head.)  My idea of fun was staying home with my mom or playing with my cousins.  That was enough for me.  I never really needed any ‘outside’ friends because my family was all around me.  They were built in.

The reason I bring that up is
1. Nothing is wrong with me (and if you’re an introvert nothing is wrong with you either.).  I mean, everyone has their ‘something’ that they struggle with, right?  That is my one of many flaws that require Jesus’ grace.  Wow.  I would need a series of books for all of them.  (The struggle.  It’s so real.)
2. If being an introvert, by itself, gives me issues of being around people I have learned the closer I get to Jesus the harder it is.  I love them, but have nothing in common with them.

God has this creative way of uniting His Children.  His Church.  His Bride.

It’s amazing how God works.  People think God is this strict rule book that cuts the fun out of everything.  I have learned that couldn’t be farther from the truth.  He’s the Creator of the world who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  Don’t you think He has some creativity left for you and me and our little lives?  It’s so fun to see how he blesses me every day in the smallest of ways.

August 2015. Ireland.  Had I not struggled I wouldn’t have had this planes, trains, and automobile adventure with God.

(I took the following out of my journal:)
We all want a best friend, don’t we?

We all crave that one person who accepts us and is there for us no matter what we’ve done or who we are.  We want someone that makes us whole.  It’s like we’ve been brought into this world a blank canvas.  Our life experiences paint the picture of who we are and make up most of it leaving spaces for something to complete us….to make known who we are.  Our puzzle piece.  We’re looking for that one piece that fills the empty space to make us whole and our lives worth living and satisfied.

My whole life I never felt like I fit in.  I was nice, sure, and always had a friend or two.  I never had real enemies and avoided those that could have been…but even they weren’t enemies.  But, I just never felt like I fit anywhere.  I had a good home.  My dad is the best dad in the whole wide world, so I never felt like the need to be like some of my friends/peers and go searching for approval.

In fact, I used to wonder what they were doing and why they were chasing things and people.  I am thankful I couldn’t understand it.  “Stoppppppp it” I used to think.  “What are you thinking???  Don’t you see the road of destruction ahead?  That’s a terrible idea!”.

Now, all I see is God’s protection over my life because I was surely the most vulnerable.

When I got older I was still “shy” and wasn’t interested in boys.  Sure, I had crushes in my head and then devastated when that person ‘cheated’ on me and got a girlfriend…or married, but I never did experience real heartbreak….at least not in the typical sense.  God protected me from that to withstand greater.

My mom was sickly and always in and out of the hospitals.  I spent a lot of time at my cousins houses.  To me it was normal.  When I was 19.5 she passed away.  No she didn’t pass away.  She died.  There.  My mom died.  I didn’t mourn in the usual way because she suffered for so long.  It was a relief when she did pass.  I never once cried for my Mom.  “That’s life.  People die.” was how I saw it.

When I was 23 or 24 I googled “walls” and realized I had a few of those built up.  I never heard of that before.  By that time I felt like it was too late and should have gotten over things by now.

Why wasn’t I moving forward?  My ‘gift’ or job that I was blessed to have was the family caregiver.  I just didn’t see the point of anyone else taking care of my family members.  Nobody could do a better job than me or love them anymore than me. 🙂  I never saw the problem.  That’s what God had me do.  The only problem I had was people telling me I should be doing other things and find my life.  After a while I started believing them.  (Social media is the devil.)  After a while I started realizing people were moving forward and I couldn’t seem to.  I was stuck.  I couldn’t do it.

“HOW THINK YE? IF A MAN HAVE AN HUNDRED SHEEP, AND ONE OF THEM BE GONE ASTRAY, DOTH HE NOT LEAVE THE NINETY AND NINE, AND GOETH INTO THE MOUNTAINS, AND SEEKETH THAT WHICH IS GONE ASTRAY?  AND IF SO BE THAT HE FIND IT, VERILY I SAY UNTO YOU, HE REJOICETH MORE OF THAT SHEEP, THAN OF THE NINETY AND NINE WHICH WENT NOT ASTRAY.  EVEN SO IT IS NOT THE WILL OF YOUR FATHER WHICH IS IN HEAVEN, THAT ONE OF THESE LITTLE ONES SHOULD PERISH.”

-MATTHEW 18:12-14

All this time I thought my Mom’s death didn’t affect me while the truth was it had consumed me.  I was scared of everything.  I was too ashamed to tell anyone because all people seemed to do was pass it over and common sense would be just go do it.  But, I couldn’t.  I literally could not.  What seemed so easy for other people was absolutely crippling terror for me.  Even mindless conversations.  I couldn’t be a part of them because it was just too much for me.

I couldn’t hear advice on what to do.  I needed someone to just stand by me not talk at me.  Just be there.  That’s what I needed, but I felt like that was being too needy.  But, God had other plans for me and worked it out for good and His glory.

You can read more about how God worked in my life through a trip to Ireland…my adventure in grace.

Long story short I got my best friend.  I am now one of those people I thought was so odd and couldn’t understand…but always wanted to be.

You can’t understand it until it is given to you and your eyes are open.

August 2016. Rainbow in the desert.

“AND YE SHALL SEEK ME, AND FIND ME, WHEN YE SHALL SEARCH FOR ME WITH ALL YOUR HEART.” – JEREMIAH 29:13

At 28.5 years old I finally have the best friend I always wanted.  When I thought I found it I had to give my life and everything I waited my whole life for…for Jesus.

“FOR WHOSOEVER WILL SAVE HIS LIFE SHALL LOSE IT: AND WHOSOEVER WILL LOSE HIS LIFE FOR MY SAKE SHALL FIND IT.” – MATTHEW 16:25

He makes me whole.  He brings me joy and peace.  On my worst day He loves me as if it were my best.

“FOR THIS THING I BESOUGHT THE LORD THRICE, THAT IT MIGHT DEPART FROM ME.  AND HE SAID UNTO ME, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE: FOR MY STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS. MOST GLADLY THEREFORE WILL I RATHER GLORY IN MY INFIRMITIES, THAT THE POWER OF CHRIST MAY REST UPON ME.  THEREFORE I TAKE PLEASURE IN INFIRMITIES, IN REPROACHES, IN NECESSITIES, IN PERSECUTIONS, IN DISTRESSES FOR CHRIST’S SAKE: FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN AM I STRONG.”
– 2 CORINTHIANS 12:8-10

Jesus truly is my best friend.  He fixed my heart and made it clean.

“CREATE IN ME A CLEAN HEART, O GOD; AND RENEW A RIGHT SPIRIT WITHIN ME.”
-PSALM 51:10

(Click here to read Psalm 51 in its entirety.)

Jesus healed my heart and made it able to love and able to withstand.  What was broken and shattered 3 years ago has become a brand new one and after His which means it’s good only because He is.

He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I get to because He wants me as well.  He died for me.  (And He died for you.)  He knew all the darkest parts of me and still loves me.  Good thing God doesn’t have deadlines because it’s been quite a process of Him peeling back the layers and waiting for me to surrender inch by inch.

While I was aching for someone to come along and make me whole He was calling me.  While I was searching for a friend and someone to call mine…He was waiting there…watching…and still wanting me.  He was there the whole time.  True, perfect love. A love that died for me when I did nothing but search elsewhere.  He held His arms wide open just for me at my time of need.

While I have been waiting for a human love story…and God did create marriage…He was creating a story just for me and Him.  So until I get my fairytale here on earth I already have the greatest One of all.

To wrap it all up from the beginning…if I only thought i had introvert problems before then finding Jesus only isolates you even more. haha

“THINK NOT THAT I AM COME TO SEND PEACE ON EARTH: I CAME NOT TO SEND PEACE, BUT A SWORD. FOR I AM COME TO SET A MAN AT VARIANCE AGAINST HIS FATHER, AND THE DAUGHTER AGAINST HER MOTHER, AND THE DAUGHTER IN LAW AGAINST HER MOTHER IN LAW.  AND A MAN’S FOES SHALL BE THEY OF HIS OWN HOUSEHOLD.  HE THAT LOVETH FATHER OR MOTHER MORE THAN ME IS NOT WORTHY OF ME: AND HE THAT LOVETH SON OR DAUGHTER MORE THAN ME IS NOT WORTHY OF ME. AND HE THAT TAKETH NOT HIS CROSS, AND FOLLOWETH AFTER ME, IS NOT WORTHY OF ME. HE THAT FINDETH HIS LIFE SHALL LOSE IT: AND HE THAT LOSETH HIS LIFE FOR MY SAKE SHALL FIND IT.” – MATTHEW 10:34-39

“AND BE NOT CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD: BUT BE YE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MIND, THAT YE MAY PROVE WHAT IS THAT GOOD, AND ACCEPTABLE, AND PERFECT, WILL OF GOD.” – ROMANS 12:2

If people thought you were weird before Jesus you just cut that friend percentage down even more because the world cannot understand you…because it cannot understand Jesus.  You cannot serve both.

God unites His children though.  They recognize and have His Holy Spirit.

“YE SHALL KNOW THEM BY THEIR FRUITS. DO MEN GATHER GRAPES OF THORNS, OR FIGS OF THISTLES? EVEN SO EVERY GOOD TREE BRINGETH FORTH GOOD FRUIT; BUT A CORRUPT TREE BRINGETH FORTH EVIL FRUIT.  A GOOD TREE CANNOT BRING FORTH EVIL FRUIT, NEITHER CAN A CORRUPT TREE BRING FORTH GOOD FRUIT.  EVERY TREE THAT BRINGETH NOT FORTH GOOD FRUIT IS HEWN DOWN, AND CAST INTO THE FIRE.  WHEREFORE BY THEIR FRUITS YE SHALL KNOW THEM.” – MATTHEW 7:16-20

You can also read about the struggles of waiting on God here.

This journey hasn’t been the prettiest or the easiest, but it is the best adventure I’ll ever go on and I can’t wait for the next life.

My current jam is Chris Tomlin’s Home.
“This world is not what it was meant to be…
All this pain all this suffering.
There’s a better place waiting for me in Heaven…

I’m going Home where the streets are golden and every chain is broken.
Oh, I wanna go home where every fear is gone and I’m in your open arms where I belong…….Home.”

Looking forward to more adventures.  I’ll never be alone. ❤

September 2016

Colorado. I wouldn’t mind waiting for Heaven here though. 🙂

Learning to let go and enjoy the ride.